How to support someone with an eating disorder

This information is for family, friends and partners of someone experiencing an eating disorder or in recovery from an eating disorder.

If you are experiencing or in recovery from an eating disorder and feel this information would be helpful for supportive people in your life, I encourage you to share it with them. People often appreciate guidance when it comes to providing support. What might seem obvious to you is often not clear for those who have not experienced an eating disorder themselves.

Eating disorders thrive in secrecy and isolation. A big part of the recovery process involves the person opening up and talking about what they're experiencing and how they are feeling. Therefore, providing a safe and non-judgmental space for your loved one to share is essential.

Remember that recovery is a long process with many ups and downs. Slips are a normal part of the recovery journey, so be patient with your loved one. Your support and encouragement helps give them the strength to keep going.

How to best support someone with an eating disorder

• Educating yourself about eating disorders is essential for understanding, allowing you to empathise and better provide support. Eating disorders are not just about the food. They are characterised by changes in behaviour, thoughts and attitudes to food, eating, weight or body shape that negatively impact a person’s life. The development of an eating disorder is multifactorial, arising from and maintained by a combination of biological, psychological and cultural risk factors.

• Check-in with the person; ask how they are feeling and what they are thinking rather than making assumptions.

• Try to understand what comments or topics of discussion will likely be unhelpful for the person you’re supporting to hear. Avoid commenting on anyone’s weight, body, food or diet, regardless of whether you believe the comment to be well-meaning. Educate yourself about diet culture so you can avoid making comments based on diet culture and can support the person to challenge diet culture BS, if necessary.

• The person may appreciate and benefit from support during meal times. You could ask them what they feel would be helpful (e.g., having a show or music in the background, doing a puzzle or being involved in light-hearted conversation).

• Ask the person how they would like to be supported by you while also respecting your boundaries. If needed, communicate your boundaries (e.g., you are not available to provide in-the-moment support when on a date night with your partner). This conversation helps you know how best to support and helps manage everyone's expectations.

How to support a close family member or partner with an eating disorder

• During recovery, your loved one may feel insecure and vulnerable. Remind them regularly of why you love and value them beyond their physical appearance.

• Try to model a positive relationship with food and exercise. I understand that this might be a challenge, particularly if you’ve experienced a disordered relationship with food, exercise or your body. A good starting point for your healing journey is learning about diet culture and weight stigma. You can also reach out for support from a dietitian, exercise physiologist, etc. To help improve your relationship with food or exercise and better understand what a healthy relationship with these looks like.

• Depending on where your loved one is in their recovery journey, it might be beneficial for them to be involved in meal planning and cooking. Try to make the experience enjoyable, listen to music or a podcast episode while cooking together, experiment with making nostalgic childhood favourites, etc. This also extends to the eating experience. When possible, try to eat together or as a family. Focus on the experience of spending time together and sharing light hearted conversation rather than focusing on the food. This can also be an opportunity to model “normal” eating.

• Support them to make recovery-orientated choices while respecting their autonomy and not adopting the role of the eating disorder police. If you think their choices are coming from the eating disorder or notice eating disorder behaviours are sneaking in, express how you feel with compassion and non-judgment. Check in with them and ask how they are feeling. Remind them of their reasons for wanting to recover or the positive changes you’ve noticed in them since they started recovery (without commenting on their physical appearance or saying they look healthier).

• Be aware of any accommodating or enabling behaviours. These may be behaviours you do to help reduce your loved one’s distress from the eating disorder e.g., cooking them a different meal, but that is colluding with the eating disorder and not supporting their recovery.

How you can help someone with an eating disorder

Those experiencing an eating disorder must engage with professional support.

Depending on your relationship with the person, you could offer to help them find or reach out to eating disorder support services. Some people will find it less anxiety-provoking if someone else schedules the initial appointment or attends with them.

If you are comfortable and believe it is appropriate for you to schedule or attend the initial appointment with them, consider offering to do so.

In addition to professional support or to help motivate the person to reach out for help, there are some great eating disorder recovery resources (websites, Podcasts, books, YouTube, helplines), which you could help them to access or look at together.

Remember not to make eating disorder treatment the only thing you talk about with them, but if they have said they will seek help, follow up on this.